It’s All About the Selfie Retreat: Self-care and Mindful Walking Meditation

Posted: July 30, 2015 | Author: | Filed under: being present, Finding Yourself?, Flourish, gratitude, healing, kindness, meditation, mindfulness, Positive Emotion, self-compassion, self-kindness, Well-being, Wellbeing, wellness | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
All About the Selfie Tour

Touring Keys Creek Lavender Farm

Recently, I had the opportunity to take a small group of uniquely inspired ladies on a retreat at the Keys Creek Lavender Farm, out in the country setting of Valley Center– which is about 30 miles from San Diego, CA. In this space known for growing, healing and well-being, we spent the day focusing on and celebrating “The Self”.   We weren’t cultivating conceit, self-righteousness or self-absorption. What we were doing was finally giving ourselves permission to treat us the way we treat others in life… with love, kindness and compassion. Spending time to focus on ourselves is not commonly encouraged in our western culture, where to get ahead (and sometimes just to make ends meet) we work the extra hours doing as much as we can, in addition to taking care of those around us, and responding to their needs– be it our significant others, children, parents, pets, etc…. As women of the 21st century, we are conditioned to do it all: juggling work, family and home life. We rinse and repeat these conditions all the time. Given that there are only 24 hours in a day, sometimes we run out of time to do it all, and find ourselves stressed out, burned out and most of all– out of balance.

It’s All About the Selfie Retreat allowed these women to regain balance and well-being, and give themselves the care they need. They had the opportunity to slow down and experience life focusing on the present moment. They asked themselves questions like “Who am I?” and “What do I need?” They did this through various reflective exercises, mindful meditations and intentional activities that supported savoring the moment and experiences. They participated in strengths finding, walking meditation, mindful yoga, mindful eating (nourishing themselves with purpose), sending loving-kindness to their loved ones, themselves and the world, and mindful self-talk—applying self-compassion techniques to cultivate both positive emotion and to use as coping tools when things don’t go as planned.

There’s not enough time and space to describe the full retreat in one post, so I’ve broken the day down into a few posts with this being installation #1. By the way, The Selfie Retreat is a staple service of BeingMerry.com, and is scheduled to happen at least once per calendar quarter. For this post, I’d like to focus on the mindful walking meditations that promoted self-love, self-care and gratitude.

Mindful Walking Meditation

We held a few different perspectives during our walking meditation, where we either focused or opened our awareness intentionally as we moved through nature, from a vintage barn setting where the ceiling was covered with bunches of drying lavender, to the labyrinth space where a magnificent crystal sits at the center. We initially focused our awareness on the sensations of walking – noticing the sensations in our leg muscles moving us through this space, the functioning of our joints supporting our bones, and our feet touching the ground and propelling us forward. We also focused our attention on our breathing—the intake of air at our nostrils, the releasing of stress in our exhale, the rising and falling of our chests or abdomens, and the opening of our hearts as we took in all of these sensations. We were aware of feeling of gratitude inside ourselves, for the ability to walk, breathe and exist without too much difficulty in those moments.

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Keys Creek Lavender Farm Labyrinth

Our focus of awareness shifted once we reached the rock-lined labyrinth. These structures are unlike mazes as they have only one starting and ending point, which are one in the same. Labyrinths have been used throughout history in many cultures and over many centuries as a symbol of one’s spiritual journey, among other things. As we slowly walked through the labyrinth, we contemplated our life’s own journey, accepting all that we have gone through that has led us here to this moment. Sometimes the difficult times we experience are hard to accept, however, if we reframe those times and look for the silver linings (the lessons we learned as a result of those hard times), we see that without both the good and the bad times, we would not be exactly where we are today.

We ended our walk with an open awareness meditation, sensing and savoring our surroundings. In this type of meditation, we are encouraged to notice everything around us employing as many senses as we can. We notice the strength and temperature of both the breeze and the sun on our skin, as well as the aroma of the sweet lavender and fresh outdoors, and finally the songs of the birds chirping nearby and the sound of feet shuffle along the dirt path. Looking at the trees we pass, we notice the texture of the bark and the shape and color of the leaves with all their gradients. We are aware of our feet on the dirt path, and realize that many before us have walked this way as well. We may feel a sense of common humanity—being a part of something much bigger than ourselves. We feel a sense of awe and gratitude for life itself—all around us, and the ability to be a part of it. We realize that we are so very blessed.

How will you take time for yourself today? Trying going for a walk in nature.

But don’t take my word for it… try a walking meditation for yourself. Focus your awareness on your bodily sensations, or open it up to nature and the world, noticing all her splendid details. Try one perspective and then the other. Explore which twist of mindful walking resonates with you. There are other things you can think about (or sense) on a mindful walk (in each step “you arrive”, in each step “you are home”—Thich Nhat Hahn encourages this perspective). The main point is that you focus your awareness, or open it up. When you find your mind wandering, as it will during meditations, just bring it back kindly to the object of your focus or intention.  This kind of slowing down, and focusing or opening does not only change your body (giving it a break from the crazy running around many of us do), but also your brain (rewiring the stress response) and spirit (responding with awe and offering gratitude) as well.  Try it as your-SELFIE just may thank you for it!

Transitioning from One Door to the Next

Posted: June 22, 2015 | Author: | Filed under: being present, Creativity, gratitude, mindfulness, Positive Emotion, Science of Happiness, Uncategorized, Well-being | Leave a comment

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“When one door of happiness closes; another opens

but often we look so long at the closed door

that we do not see the one that has opened for us. “

~Helen Keller

How true does this quote ring for you? How many times have you said goodbye to a phase of your life longing to get it back, whether it be time, youth, or experiences that have ended? Are you clinging to the past and looking at the door that’s closed, not realizing there’s another one opening with experiences to be felt and growth to be realized?

This quote especially resonates with me, as I explain below. It’s that time of year when many people are transitioning from one thing to another- closing one door and crossing over to open another- be it graduating from school starting their summer, moving on to a new job or relationship, getting married, raising a family, saying goodbye to a loved one through divorce or death, or just saying goodbye period. We are all transitioning and living the cycle of life.

This year my oldest child is transitioning as she has graduated from high school. She has worked diligently during the last four years and is now preparing to open that next door leading to her college experience, and ultimately a professional career. Doors are opening and closing all the time. Even at such a young age, over the last four years many doors of happiness have closed for my daughter while other ones have opened. Thankfully, she chose to look to the new doors instead of dwelling on the old. One of the closed doors involved her passion for dance. During her freshman year she incurred a vertebrae fracture from overusing it in dance. As an avid competitive dancer, this was a huge blow as the doctor ordered her to rest for 6 months to allow her body to heal. Her dance door had definitely closed.  When this happened my daughter looked to a new open door labeled “other creative avenues” and walked in. By taking the steps to cross over to that new experience, and not looking back with sadness, she rediscovered her passion for creative writing, photography, video production, and drawing.

She gave herself permission to express her creativity in a different way. Creativity is one of her strengths and this is what made all the difference… falling back on her strengths to get through this rough patch. In the end, the injury was a blessing in disguise for it allowed her to experiment and use her creativity to cope and flourish in new ways.  In the end, my daughter healed and returned to dance with more vigor and commitment.  We are very grateful for the talents and skills of the doctors, physical therapists, and her own resilience in helping her mend.

My daughter had many other doors close in high school, yet she chose not to dwell and look back, but look forward to the new doors that were opening. This is where she learned much of her life lessons—not in the rooms on the high school campus, but in the thresholds of life transitions.… transitioning through the known doorways and into the unknown. Using her strengths, she was able to cope with hard times and propel forward to create a new version of herself.

When she walks through that next doorway in life (college), she will bring those lessons with her– from both sides of the doors– for they have shaped her into whom she is today. . As she prepares to live life “on her own,” I have no worries that she will remember these lessons, remember to look towards the open door, and apply her strengths to embrace the experiences that await her. She will get through those experiences knowing that there are lessons to be learned, and that they will add layers of richness to the canvas of her life.

As I transition into my next doorway, saying goodbye to a long term marriage and walking toward a new version of me, I use my strengths—as I have learned from my daughter. Crossing the threshold I exercise gratitude. I look back at the old door not to dwell, but to be thankful for those experiences that have lead me to this new place. Some memories were happy, and others less so, but they were authentic experiences nonetheless that helped me become who I am today.  I am mindful to recognize and accept this. And as I pause at that threshold, I apply a mindfulness teaching known as “STOP,” to really acknowledge and feel the moment for what it is.  With this technique:

S is for stop. halt. pause.

T is for take a deep breath. One or even three.

O is for observe what I am thinking, feeling, and experiencing both inside, and in the world around me; and

P is for proceeding with openness, kindness, and curiosity.

By mindfully STOPping… I allow myself to feel the whole range of emotions (sadness, happiness, and gratitude) as I experience the closed door. I sit with who I am at that moment. I am grateful for who I am at that moment. I look to the open door and walk over the threshold with strength and humility, and a sense of curiosity at the new opportunities that lay ahead.

Another gratitude practice that helped me transition from the old door to the new was to:

  • list 5 people who made a difference on the other side of the old door, and for whom I am grateful.
  • list 5 things and or places for which I am grateful that I was exposed to by being on the other side of the closed door.
  • list 5 aspects about myself that I’ve gained from that experience; i.e. strengths I’ve observed within. I take this last list with me as I cross the new threshold– these are some of my strengths that will keep me in motion, and moving forward.

What door has closed for you on which you keep staring back? Have you accepted the closure of the old door? What door has opened that you have yet to acknowledge and explore?  What strengths can you call upon to help you through that next doorway, in a healthy way? What do you look forward to as you cross the threshold and move through the new door way? What strengths can you cultivate by walking through that new door? Where will this new door take you? How much will you grow?

I end this post with this quote:

“The measure of who we are is what we do with what we have.”

~Vince Lombardi

Using our strengths, we can get through any obstacle and transition from one door to the next. Know that transitions allow us a time to reflect, pause and dream. They can weave richness into the fabric of our lives. Look for the good in closure and the hope of a new beginning. Gratefully reflect on the closed doors for what they are, and how they have served you. With an open curious mind, dream of the possibilities that lay ahead. Search inside yourself for your strengths and apply them to the closed door, open door, or both. Be mindful of your transitions, and grateful that they give you time to pause. Share what works for you with transitioning with your friends and family. Use your transitions to “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Start with yourself. And you will find you are happier.

Resources:

To uncover and understand your strengths check out VIA Character Strengths. Looks like they have an online course on how to manage transitions. Perfect timing!

To learn more about gratitude, check out:

To learn more about mindfulness, check out:

Gift Giving and the Science of Happiness

Posted: December 17, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: being present, Creativity, gratitude, Happiness, kindness, mindfulness, Positive Emotion, Science of Happiness, self-compassion, Well-being | Leave a comment

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It’s “the most wonderful time of the year” again, when emphasis is placed on giving gifts to our loved ones to acknowledge our relationships and to keep the connections going. This holiday, my gift to my readers is sharing tips on how to give gifts of happiness with all, as recommended by the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. These folks know what they are talking about as they study what makes a meaningful life. Great suggestions to put into practice… your social connections are sure to be strengthened by them… Enjoy and be sure to make yours merry!

Five Ways to Get the Gift Right! by the Greater Good Science Center!

photo creds: http://www.flower-arrangement-advisor.com/

Mindful Much?

Posted: September 4, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: being present, gratitude, Happiness, meditation, mindfulness, self-compassion, Uncategorized, Well-being | Leave a comment

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It’s so interesting how the concept of mindfulness is springing up everywhere… and for a good reason. Mindfulness is so beneficial in so many ways; it helps us slow down, focus our attention, be present in the moment, tune into what is happening in our bodies and accept what is without judgement.  It involves quieting our mind’s chatter (ruminations over past actions/behaviors, and worries about what tomorrow holds), and taking a “time-in” to connect with ourselves by observing how our body is responding in that moment, and savoring or acknowledging what is.

Mindfulness can be cultivated over time with practice and has tremendous benefits for our mind, body, spirit and relationships with others! The Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley lists many benefits that result from practicing mindfulness. To list a few, they report mindfulness:

  • boosts our immune system’s ability to fight off illness,
  • improves our ability to focus affecting our memory and attention skills,
  • reduces anger, anxiety, stress and depression,
  • reduces symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder,
  • increases density of gray matter in brain regions linked to learning, memory, emotion regulation, and empathy.
  • increases positive emotions while reducing negative emotions–may be as good as antidepressants in fighting depression and preventing relapse,
  • increases compassion, and self-compassion as well.

See their full list of benefits on their Mindfulness page.

Mindful.org is an online community dedicated to sharing the best of mindfulness-based practices, and is part of the “Mindful Initiative”, celebrating all things mindful in daily life. Additionally, mindfulness training, research and practice centers are popping up all around the country. Some centers are affiliated with universities such as The Center for Mindfulness at UCSD, and UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center, while others are private practices where mindfulness trained professionals, such as therapists and life coaches, offer classes, workshops and retreats to get you started on incorporating mindfulness into your life. Businesses, schools, and the general public are now being targeted for specific applications such as stress reduction, eating, parenting, exercising, and relationships to name a few. The bottom line is that mindfulness is good for you and everything you do– from just basic existing to existing with flair, vitality and purpose. Furthermore, mindfulness encourages and increases our ability for compassion… which improves our connections with others and ultimately our life satisfaction.

Mindfulness Applications

Below I offer a couple of Mindfulness applications that can help you focus, attend to the here and now and cultivate compassion all at  the same time. Try one out for yourself  and let me know what resonated with you. Not everyone can quiet their chatting mind quickly… for most people it takes time and practice to cultivate mindfulness, and if it seems like it is not working one day for you, try it on another day, it may work then.  The applications listed below are the basics that can get you started…

Mindful Breathing Meditation

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Mindful breathing is one way to regulate our body’s response to stress and calm us down. This is one main component of the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction program created by Jon Kabat-Zin and taught in many institutions around the world. The Center for Mindfulness at UC San Diego is one of my favorite places for mindfulness training.

Steps for Mindful Breathing:

  1. Sit in a comfortable position with your feet grounded on the floor, and try to have your back straight. You can also do this meditation laying down.
  2. Close your eyes, or focus on something that allows you to drop your head to a low gaze, and take 3 deep breaths.
  3. On the inhale, take in the air through your nose as you count silently to 4. Feel the air rushing into your body as your chest and lungs begin to expand.
  4. On the exhale, let the air (or carbon dioxide) out through your mouth as you count silently to 6 or 8. Feel your chest contract and your belly rise as you let the air out.
  5. After 3 deep breaths this way, return to a normal breathing pattern but continue to focus on your breath feeling the sensations associated with the process.
  6. Notice how your body feels as you are taking in the air and the renewal that is happening in your body.
  7. Notice how your body feels as you let air out, disposing with the waste of what is no longer needed.
  8. Focus on your breath for 3-5 minutes. Many people are able to increase that time up to 20 minutes or more. Think of it as a way to connect with your body on the most basic level and reconnect with calmness.
  9. If/when your mind wanders (and for most of us, it does a lot), and you are no longer attending to your breath, acknowledge what you are thinking about something, and gently bring your focus back to your breath at your belly.
  10. Set a timer for your meditation goal, and one it goes off, return to your normal state, but notice if you feel like your heart has opened up. For many, that is the result we feel after this type of meditation.

Mindful Eating-savoring Meditation

 

shutterstock_183255401Slowing down to eat has great benefits for our bodies and minds alike. Many people don’t think twice about when and where they are eating, and how they are eating. Many of us just shovel food into our mouths without thinking twice. Some people stand to eat, while others mindlessly watch TV and eat. According to an article, “The Surprising Benefits of Mindful Eating,” by Dr. Susan Albers some benefits found with mindful eating include:

  • reduces overeating and binge eating,
  • improves weight loss and reduce your body mass index (BMI)
  • helps ability to cope with chronic eating problems such as anorexia and bulimia, and reduce anxious thoughts about food and your body, and
  • improves the symptoms of Type 2 diabetes.

Steps for Mindful Eating:

So how do you eat mindfully? By just slowing down the whole process of eating, step by step.

  1. Select a piece of food that you desire. Try a few strawberries or a slice of orange; a piece of cheese or even chocolate– whatever your body is asking for.
  2. Notice the unique characteristics of the food; the color, the smell, the texture, the shape, the density, the flavor.
  3. Savor each unique characteristic as much as you can with each of your senses; is the color deeper in one area than another? does the texture change, does the flavor change from once you put it in your mouth, to when you finish chewing?
  4. Put the food into your mouth and put your spoon or fork down.
  5. Chew each bite of food completely and swallow before embarking on another bite.  Some suggest to chew each bite at least 20 times.
  6. Take a moment to rest in between bites to savor even more.
  7. Notice how your body is responding to the nourishment. Depending on how much you have eaten, are you feeling fuller?
  8. This next step does step out of the power of “now”, but offers opportunities to show gratitude. Before you embark on another bite, think about everyone who was involved in getting that particular food to your door, to your table. Send gratitude to the farmers who may have cultivated the food you are eating. Those who tended to the food, who prepared the food for baking, eating, etc., who cooked the food if applicable, who enabled you to buy the food. The list can be very long depending on what type of food you are mindfully eating and savoring.
  9. As you take your next bite, start the process over again, and this time again sense the food with as many senses as you can as you are eating it. The more you sense, the more you can savor and reflect back on with gratitude.
  10. Repeat taking time with each step– selecting the bite, observing the food, sensing the food, chewing and swallowing, and giving thanks. Soon, you will realize that you may not be as hungry as you thought… with a little time, our bodies catch up with our brain and overeating could be a think of the past!

Let me know what you think of these meditations and applications for mindfulness. More information can be found in the Resources section of this website. Just think what life would be like if we lived our days being mindful. If you would like some guidance stepping into Mindfulness, send me an email and we’ll get you started!

Gratitude Everyday: It’s Not Just for Thanksgiving Anymore

Posted: August 6, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: gratitude, Happiness, Uncategorized, Well-being, wellness | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

It seems like hundreds of years in internet terms since my last blog post, though it’s only been a few months. Over that time, I had the opportunity to embrace many different Science of Happiness and Mindfulness practices… including new applications for gratitude, mindfulness based stress reduction, mindful self-compassion and resilience.. which I look forward to getting into in this blog. I am so grateful for being able to experience all of these opportunities, therefore, I shall start with Gratitude.

Grateful

Grateful

 

The Greater Good Gratitude Summit

Gratitude is the first stop on my list, for I believe it is the foundational element that can transform any given moment. Knowing how to cultivate and practice gratitude can not only improve your own individual well-being, but also the other well-beings in the world at large. Gratitude is contagious… and it is the gift that keeps on giving!

On June 7, 2014 The Greater Good Science Center (GGSC) hosted the first Greater Good Gratitude Summit as part of its three-year program to expand the science and practice of gratitude.  With funding from the John Templeton Foundation, millions of dollars went towards various research and public education initiatives. The Greater Good Gratitude Summit was a day to “help bridge the research-practice gap” featuring experts in the fields of gratitude research and spirituality, as well as professionals and practitioners from various aspects of life — to share their latest findings and gratitude applications with the world.  What I walked away with that day was that gratitude was alive and well in science, spiritual settings, workplaces, communities, schools, families and the laboratories of our lives.

Overview

Robert Emmons, a world renown researcher on Gratitude from the University of California, Davis, and expert at the GGSC, gave us a general overview of research findings on gratitude from studies conducted over the past 20 years. The bottom line is that science shows gratitude is good for us and in fact works, affecting the following:

  • increases emotional well-being,
  • improves social relationships,
  • decreases depression,
  • decreases blood pressure,
  • increases resiliency,
  • increases generosity (paying it forward), and
  • enables people to achieve more.

According to Emmons, gratitude has the power to heal, energize and change lives. “Gratitude is the secret to life; the key that opens all doors.”  He talked about the foundational stones of gratitude:

  1. looking for the good (joy)- with eyes wide open we can notice the good or gifts and remember them,
  2. receiving the good (grace)- taking it in — recognizing we are the recipient of the good/gift, and absorbing and savoring it; and
  3. giving back the good or gift (love)- being the benefactor and expressing gratitude.

Two panels of researchers also presented their projects, but first what came next was a spiritual conversation on gratitude.

Gratitude and Spirituality

Two leading spiritual teachers engaged in a conversation, allowing us all to hear their perspectives on the importance of gratitude in life.  Jack Kornfield, a famous Buddhist psychologist, and Brother David Steindl-Rast, a Catholic Benedictine monk, conversed on the spirit of gratitude, stating that gratitude breathes confidence in life itself and awakens compassion. As it grows it gives rise to joy. Gratitude makes us fearless.

Brother David talked of recently traveling 12,000 miles to participate in 150 lectures. He said you can find blessings and love even in difficulty. Gratitude brings the spirit of well-being into difficulty. One of the pearls I gleaned from Brother David is: be grateful for opportunities in the moment; trust life, don’t struggle against fear; be courageous and embrace fear, and see what emerges– a new spirit.

Brother David’s website, www.gratefulness.org, is a wonderful resource on this topic where you can find information and support for the practice of grateful living.

More Research

Various researchers talked about The Gratitude Effect, looking at the physical, psychological and social benefits of gratitude. Take a look at the agenda and speaker biographies from that day to read the various aspects of gratitude that researchers are studying. Highlights from some of the researchers include:

  • Christina Karns, Ph.D., University of Oregon: Looked at the connection between gratitude, cognitive control and reward systems in the brain. Gratitude propels us to give back; Gratitude and altruism are sisters. The path to life satisfaction comes through giving through gratitude.
  • Wendy Mendes, Ph.D., University of California, San Francisco: looked at how gratitude affects well-being and health, studying various pathways both behavioral and on a neuro-peptide level. How did giving and receiving kindness affect the body and health? Her initial findings: higher levels of gratitude are associated with higher levels of well-being, improved socially connectedness, increase in sleep quality, and lower blood pressure at rest and reactivity.
  • Jeff Huffman, Director of the Cardiac psychiatry Research program at Massachusetts General Hospital and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard looked at Gratitude, Mental Health and Disease. Among other things, he found gratitude exercises were more effective at dealing with suicidal thoughts than other exercises.
  • Philip Watkins, Ph.D., with Eastern Washington University looked at the Cognitive and Social Benefits of Gratitude, asking how gratitude helps us live well. He found gratitude enhances well-being, influences us to include others, enhances our desire to commune, and also make us more likely to help others. Bottom line: Gratitude makes us nicer.

Barriers to Gratitude

Tom Gilovich, Ph.D., from Cornell University discussed barriers to gratitude, and specifically two enemies:

  1. Headwinds/tailwinds– where we notice the bad things holding us back instead of the good things propelling us forward; and
  2. Adaptation– where we adapt to both bad things, and good things as well.  When we adapt to good things, we start taking them for granted.

He talked about the Power of adaptation — and the fact that we are happier with purchases of experiences over possessions, for we are less likely to adapt to experiences. He recommends overcoming headwinds by cultivating gratitude which is what Robert Emmons talked about in the beginning of the conference with gratitude’s foundational stones.

Gratitude at Schools

A tutoring program at an elementary school in Oakland, Boost! West Oakland, presented on cultivating gratitude in elementary school students. They specifically start tutoring sessions with a gratitude journal, and recording three good things once a week. This intervention made an impact on the students and the tutors alike as we heard from representatives of both groups.

Researcher and author, Giacomo Bono, Ph.D., presented strategies on how to cultivate gratitude in schools. He questioned can modeling grateful behavior result in grateful kids?  He studied children ages 5-11 years old, and teens as well. He found appreciation less than generosity. Bottom line: We need to teach kids about awareness of blessings, their personal value, the benefactor’s cost and intentions. We can also teach benefit appraisals to strengthen grateful feelings (appreciate and thank others) and positive affect. Additionally, encouraging empathy and thoughtfulness with friends is important as well. Practicing kindness (especially in boys), and using strengths to contribute to community can also help cultivate gratitude. His study found girls are more grateful than boys, however, gratefulness in boys decreased delinquency behavior. Longitudinally, he found that with gratitude the following increased: hope, subjective well-being, meaning in life and pro-social behavior. Moreover, depression decreased.

Anthony Chavez, grandson of Cesar Chavez- Labor Leader, shared his beliefs that, “The end of all education should be the service of others.”

Gratitude at Home

Andrea Hussong, Ph.D., from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill talked about raising grateful children. Start with object awareness and meaning making– attributions, and cost to the benefactor. When kids say “Thank you”, they may just be showing good manners, not making meaning about gifts they receive. Parents need to spend more time with kids to help them understand how to make meaning.

Sara Algoe, Ph.D., from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill presented her study on Gratitude and Relationships. Gratitude helps bind us with other people in our lives. Other people feel valued when they receive gratitude. Relationship satisfaction declines over time, falling into adaptation. We can prevent adaptation in relationships with everyday gratitude: notice partner’s action in everyday little things, don’t forget to show it, and be genuine (say it like you mean it). Everyday gratitude combats adaptation and promotes growth.

 

Gratitude at Work

Chris Murchison, Vice-President of Staff Development at HopeLab talked about ways to cultivate gratitude in the workplace by making the soil more rich and enlightening. He talked about recognizing stages of progress, offering that supervisors can incorporate small practices such as: thank you cards with organizations values printed on them which can show the alignment of organization and employee values. As another practice, instead of annual reviews, Murchison suggests to conduct annual “conversations” with reflection questions about joy at work, what employees are proud of, and ask for feedback on improvements for all employees and management. During a project debrief, managers can take a moment to pause and appreciate milestones, processes and/or each project member.

Peter Jin Hong with Google talked about virality, and how gratefulness allows us to connect.  He spoke of the Google program “One Today” that is a conduit for the public to donate $1 each day to causes and nonprofits that he or she selects. “It’s a community of generous people like you doing one good deed a day.” Once donors give, they receive a “Thank you” day one, day two, and six weeks later with an impact report, showing how one small action can make a difference. Many that donate to One Today do so again and again, showing how another small action can change behaviors.

Nipun Mehta, Chief Inspiration Officer and Founder of ServiceSpace.org talked about one of their social service programs, KarmaKtichen, where gratitude is generative. From their website:

“Karma Kitchen is an experiment in generosity in the form of a pay-it-forward restaurant — one where there are no prices on the menu, where everyone from the waiter to the dishwasher is a volunteer, and the check at the end of your meal reads $0.00. By serving meals in the spirit of a gift, and inviting guests to contribute from the heart –not for their own meal, but for those who come after, it creates a chain of generosity that keeps on giving.”

Mehta proposed that gratitude creates a state of stillness, which then breeds action. This very inspiring speaker talked about Gandhi 3.0: where the original Gandhi worked to share knowledge one to many; Mehta works to share knowledge many to many– as a network based on gratitude. The bottom line in ServiceSpace is “you are enough=we are enough.” (Interestingly, the Dalai Lama awarded Nipun Mehta  as an “Unsung Hero of Compassion” earlier this year, which he received on behalf of ServiceSpace.)

 

Gratitude and Art

Throughout the day, artistic presentations of gratitude were heard in poetry by Dennis Kim and in the Voices from StoryCorps, as well as seen in the visual art by Terri Friedman and students at the California College for the Arts. All forms of the art were very touching and real. Dennis’ poetry was moving as he spoke of his gratitude for words. StoryCorps stories (videos) showed the connection between two people, often generational, and the gratefulness that ensues.

 

Conclusion

The GGSC imparted so much wisdom throughout the day regarding Gratitude. I’m sure I’ve left out some speakers, unintentionally. It was a full day of information and idea sharing– that can make a difference for all once put into practice. They ended the day with the ServiceSpace presentation– and I can see why they did… KarmaKitchen and many of the ServiceSpace projects convey the essence of gratitude. And in twisting the words of JFK, with Gratitude in mind, do not ask “What can the world give me?” Instead ask “what can I give back to the world?” All it takes is some kindness and a little bit of gratefulness! What will you do today with the gifts you have been given (internally, that is)?

Get Your Gratitude On!

Posted: November 4, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: being present, Flourish, gratitude, Happiness, Positive Emotion, Positive Psychology, Science of Happiness, Well-being | Leave a comment

grateful

Ah, November has finally arrived with all her feelings and reminders of gratitude!  After all, tis’ the season of giving and being grateful! Gratitude is one powerful: positive emotion, virtue, character strength, state of being and activity all in one. That is why it packs such an enormous punch and brings benefits in all areas of our lives, if we allow it. And that is the key… allowing it…to recognize, cultivate and practice gratitude. Some people do not know how to recognize gratitude when they see it, or ask why they should be grateful, and/or not realize the realm of different activities in which they can participate on so many levels to reap rewards themselves.

Recognizing moments for gratitude is not all that easy. Especially when we are “wired for negativity” from the start– as our brains help us survive, not thrive (I touch on this a lot in the Hapacus course I teach online and in person). And when people are going through tough times, it’s very easy to get sucked into the negativity of what is NOT going well– sending us and those around us into a downward spiral. It’s actually during those hard times that gratitude can benefit us the most.

Studies on gratitude show positive effects of recognizing the good in the past, present and future, and how gratitude transforms people.  Researcher Robert Emmons, PhD., of University of California at Davis, has studied this topic for many years and has offered some interesting insights & findings:

  1. gratitude allows for celebrating the present-> it magnifies goodness (we look for it) and delays adaptation (taking it for granted),
  2. gratitude blocks toxic emotions (for example envy, regret, and anxiety and can reduce episodes and duration of depression),
  3. gratitude makes us more resilient; allowing us to recover from stress and symptoms of trauma faster, and
  4. gratitude strengthens social ties and self-worth, as it reminds us that someone else is looking out for us, or that others have helped us get to where we are today.

There are so many more reasons why we need to practice gratitude… all relate to health and relationships. And there are SO MANY WAYS we can cultivate and practice gratitude in our everyday lives; most of them cost NOTHING— just our ability to look for the good in things. There are many more intentional activities I can share, but I won’t give them all away here. If you are curious in knowing more,  email me or attend one of my “Get Your Gratitude On” workshops (11/8 & 15 (6:30-8:30p) and 11/9 & 16 (10am-12pm)). This is an invitation only event in San Diego, so email me if you’d like to attend.  Or you can sign up for The Happiness Journey class that I teach through Hapacus.com. I can schedule a class online or in person during hours that meet your needs. There are two classes listed currently, but these times are adjustable.

Lastly, one more thing you can do to satisfy your curiosity and learn more about how great Gratitude is, is to follow this blog– as I will be planting more seeds throughout the month on gratitude and how you can improve your life, just by being grateful! To close, I’d like to offer one activity for you to try on… which will cost you to pay only with your attention.

Grateful Journal Activity

This activity is explained in The Happiness Journey, and Oprah and a host of others including researcher Sonya Lyubomirsky, Ph.D. of University of California at Riverside, have brought awareness to this activity where you write down 3-5 things that you are grateful for each day. Set aside time, the same time each day if possible, to reflect through the day’s events noting at least 5 things that inspired gratitude in you. Include an explanation as to why you think these events happened, and your role in the event. By doing so, you will begin to see the connection between positive events and those people in your life who are “looking out for you” or cultivating happiness, and you will see how you have a hand in making gratitude happen. Try not to repeat the same entries every night. Look for new aspects for which to reflect/be grateful. Keep writing in the journal for a few weeks, and notice the changes in yourself and those around you. If you feel it’s more stressful having to remember or find 3-5 things everyday, reduce the number of days you are writing to 1-3. But do try to write, as writing can help our brains make sense of what we’ve experienced–and have a bigger impact about how we think about ourselves and our world.

I will start my list for today right here:

  • I am thankful for being able to write a blog post about the importance of gratitude. This event happened because the topic is important to me and my well-being, and I want to share the information with others so they can increase their well-being.
  • I am thankful that my computer and internet connection are working well, so that I may post this information. I recognize there were many people who are able to make this happen, from the computer manufacturers to the internet providers, from the hosting provider to my husband and myself who keep our technology up and running in the house.
  • I am thankful for readers who take in the information I share in this blog, and do something with it. Using it with their family or friends or in their work-setting. This is important for, like that old adage reads, “a fallen tree does not make a sound in the forest unless there are ears to hear it.” I am writing this blog to help be the change I want to see in the world; one that is flourishing with well-beings.

THANK YOU for reading and visiting my blog. May you use the information contained within for your benefit…  and may you feel safe, healthy, happy and live with ease.

CHOOSING Positive Emotions

Posted: October 27, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: being present, Flourish, gratitude, Happiness, Positive Psychology, positivism, Science of Happiness, self-compassion, self-kindness, Well-being, Wellbeing, wellness | Tags: , | Leave a comment

Time for a post as I finish up teaching a couple of courses of The Happiness Journey, through Hapacus, and continue on with the class that I am taking which I wrote about previously, Love 2.0 with Barbara Fredrickson. It has been a juggling act, teaching, coaching, learning and living life with all the conditions I’ve built into it (family, kids, responsibilities, etc…). On the bright side, I am managing a fairly stressful load by CHOOSING to build positive emotions into my daily diet. As I teach the Happiness Journey, I remind my students and myself that happiness is only one emotion they can choose. There are a host of  other positive emotions they can access if they need a lift out of a blue mood, which could be more conducive to actually lifting them up. And these positive emotions can lead to others as well, leading to an upward spiral.

So what are the other positive emotions from which we can choose?

There are at least ten positive emotions that you can call on and cultivate at any time. There are many more, but ten show up in many positive psychology studies. In another one of Barbara Fredrickson’s books, Positivity, she calls them out in order from the most often occurring:

  • Love
  • Joy (happiness)
  • Gratitude
  • Serenity
  • Interest
  • Hope
  • Pride
  • Amusement
  • Inspiration
  • Awe

and as suggested by another researcher, Kristen Neff,

  • Self-Compassion

I included this last positive emotion out after reading quite a bit on the subject as well. I would definitely add it to the top of my list… from which to cultivate at any time… especially for a busy working mom in this day and age.  One of my favorites, besides love (and kindness), is gratitude which I hope to really savor and talk about more in November.

Can we really CHOOSE to feel positive emotion? And why are positive emotions important?
The homework for the Love 2.0 class involves revisiting Positivity fully. This book has reminded me of the key concepts about positive emotions in general, and YES, how choosing them intentionally can produce great benefits psychologically, physically and socially. This is one reason why they are so important. Here are some other key concepts worth knowing about:

  • You can choose positive emotions by noting HOW you interpret events and ideas AS they unfold (and AFTER they unfold as well).
  • We need 3 positive emotions/encounters for every 1 negative emotion felt– to enable us to flourish. (some are challenging this ratio right now– but considering many people have a ratio of 0 to 1 or 1 to 1, 3 to 1 can make a dramatic difference in life satisfaction levels, on a whole).
  • Letting positive emotion linger will bring more health benefits.
  • Positive emotions encourage positive spirals all around you, i.e., one positive emotion can lead to the others.
  • Those who WITNESS positive emotions will feel more inspired and uplifted and are more likely to engage in positive emotion themselves.
  • Positive emotions can help you broaden your physical and psychological outlook and build your life with more possibilities in a real physiological way.
  • People who have a high positivity ratio live on the average 10 years longer than those who don’t. They also get sick less often and are able to bounce back from health and psychological setbacks more effectively and at a faster rate.
  • Positivity is contagious.

This last point is pretty big. Your good mood influences how you interact with those around you, who adjust how they interact with those around them, and so on and so forth. This is a stellar example of how you can really “Be the Change You want to See in the World,” as Gandhi quoted years ago.

How can I choose and cultivate positive emotion?

There are many ways to cultivate positive emotion. As noted above, you can choose positive emotions by noting HOW you interpret events and ideas (and the meaning you assign them– The Happiness Journey addresses this concept through explanatory styles).

You can also choose intentional activities like:

  • Connecting with nature (through sounds, sights, smells, touch)– by being outdoors or with animals/creature. Nature can inspire you, remind you that you’re part of a bigger picture (humble/awe you), and in return you may display gratitude and love for allowing this connection.
  • Connecting with others– by showing interest, being curious, being kind or helping, When you help someone, you externalize your positivity and it moves between you and another person like a dance… adding more possibilities for goodness in the world.
  • Opening your mind — by focusing on the present moment and finding the positive meaning in the situation. At any time, ask yourself in any given moment, “What is right here? What can I celebrate?” Or on a different note, dream about the future… anticipate an event in which you can plan and savor, and replay in your mind at a later date.
  • Opening your heart– by savoring goodness, counting your blessings and following your passion.  For any of the emotions or methods above, ask yourself, “When was the last time I felt this feeling? Can I think of other triggers that can produce these feelings? What can I do now to cultivate these feelings?”

There are many other methods you can employ to cultivate and choose positive emotions. If you would like to grow your repertoire/library, and learning about new tools that can help you increase your positive emotion, please email/contact me at any time.

What We Focus on Grows

Now that you know what positive emotions are, how they can benefit us and how we can choose them, what positive emotion will you CHOOSE to focus on today? Do it for today, tomorrow and if you can– everyday– and your heart, your mind and your body will thank you in years to come!

7 Things Happy Employees Do Differently

Posted: October 9, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Flourish, gratitude, Happiness, Positive Psychology, Science of Happiness, Uncategorized, Well-being | Leave a comment

Finding a lot of interesting and relevant sites and resources on happiness, flourishing and everything promoting optimal living. Thought I’d try out a new feature I have not used; to share an article on my blog– directly from the article’s page. Hope this works.

Businesses are starting to look at the “happiness” and flourishing factors at work, to help build healthy teams and get the most out of their human resources… pretty smart. Here’s an article that talks directly to that. This is a good read not only for business owners and managers, but also for parents and teachers. After all, those children are pretty much like our employees (in a very twisted way)! Enjoy the read by Paula Davis-Laack, JD and MAPP graduate:

7 Things Happy Employees Do Differently.

 

 

What a Little Savoring Won’t Cure

Posted: August 16, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: being present, gratitude, Life with Children, positivism, self-compassion, Uncategorized, wellness | Leave a comment

Wow! Could it be? A whole year and some has passed since my last entry into the bloggosphere, and so much has happened I cannot believe I did not write about it. But that’s okay. I’ll forgive myself  and get on to reflecting and sharing now.

My last entry involved slowing down, smelling the roses and being grateful. Previously, I also wrote about Random Acts of Kindness and Self-compassion. What I was beginning to realize at that time was that my interest in psychology was resurrected, and a new focus on positive aspects was blooming. Now I’ve come to understand this field as Positive Psychology, and I have begun to immerse myself in it 110%

A New Perspective from which to Write

I’m committing to make this field and new perspective a central part of my life; going back to school and training as a Life Coach, with an emphasis on applying positive psychology findings to help people flourish.  I found positive psychology on my own, and the International Positive Psychology Association (IPPA), which lead me to the 3rd World Congress on Positive Psychology this past June (2013). From that experience, I found Mentor Coach.com, and Master Classes and lectures with the big hitters in the field, and I am very grateful to be able to learn and grow from all these resources around me.  And I am preparing to give back… sharing some neat concepts that are scientifically based to increase well-being, positive emotion and life satisfaction.  All this through this blog, and through Happiness and Well-being Workshops that I hope to facilitate in the near future.

One concept I would like to focus on today is the power of savoring. The Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley defines savoring as “the concept that being mindfully engaged and aware of your feelings during positive events can increase happiness in the short and long run.” However, further elaborated on by various scholars at the IPPA conference we find three types of savoring: retrospective (past events), concurrent (present events) and prospective (future events). Add one more variable to the concept, relational savoring (done with another person to enhance your present relationship) and you’ve got a recipe for increasing positive emotion in your life, aka, happiness, which affects your well-being on many levels (prolongs your life, reduces illness and stress and a whole lotta other benefits) all from the concept of savoring.

Examples of Savoring

I’ve built a savoring album on Facebook. It holds many memories– many that involve nature and loved ones– that I wish to savor– and savor with others. When I savor retrospectively, I think back on that time in that moment… trying to remember how the atmosphere felt; what my senses remember hearing, seeing, smelling, touching. If there was a loved on involved, I try to remember the interactions of the time and really dig deep to try to remember how I felt.  The picture below is from my savoring album. I took it on a walk I went on a couple of weeks ago. The morning was fresh, the grass smelled like it had just been groomed. The sky was beginning to show it’s face, having woken up from a restful night’s slumber. The hills in the distant were crisp, and I was thankful for these conditions. And I was also grateful that my knee (which does not have an ACL) was working, as were my other body systems, and I was happy. I felt blessed then, as I do right now, reliving it. Sooooo thankful for the weather here in San Diego… and being able to live here to experience it.

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Currently, I sit here at my desk typing this post, with double french doors open to our courtyard that holds nature in place– plants such as giant birds of paradise, palm trees and other plants. I feel a slight breeze blow through the door opening and see the greenery reachable by a small walk. I close my eyes and hear the sound of birds chirping.  I look and see giant leaves swaying just a bit by the breeze.  What I smell is freshness– in the air and to the start to the day. I feel blessed to have this moment. (so quiet… especially since the kids are sleeping in since it’s the last Friday before school starts!).

Prosepectively, I am savoring a day to spend with my kids…. just to be. Since this is the last friday of Summer, I told them we would “play hookey” and do something fun all day. This is very much out of our norm, since everyday- even in the summer- involves chores and responsibilities. Today, we will take a day off from those things– and just be with each other. I’ve given them some options on how to spend the day. I will wake them  after posting this entry (because it’s 9:45am– that is plenty of time for a 16, 14 and 10 year old to sleep in), and check in to see where today will take us. I know this is our last summer with a 16, 14 and 10 year old. Next summer, they will be 17, 15 and 11. And I also will be a year old. Who knows what will happen in the coming year? Hopefully opportunities for growth… for us all. But for now, we will appreciate the day ahead of us. What a blessing it will be.

Savoring Challenge

One of my favorite books as of lately is “The How of Happiness” by Sonja Lyubomirsky. The author offers a few practical activities that involve savoring, worth checking out. One that I talk about above that is helping me remember and relive special moments is the savoring album. Today, I challenge you to do some savoring of your own. Create an online album, or even better, go through your older albums from years ago– when they weren’t digital. Try to think back to those moments. How was life different then? What didn’t you know, that you know now? What things brought the sparkle to your eye? What things held your interest? Take a moment and relive. Science shows, when you relive a special moment you build positive emotion, which builds resilience, and eventually a longer, happier life… one built on flourishing!

More Kindness on Valentine’s Day

Posted: February 14, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: being present, gratitude, kindness, Life with Children, positivism, self-compassion, self-kindness, Uncategorized, wellness | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

February 14th. What better day to celebrate love and kindness in the world (besides on your own birthday) than on Valentine’s Day? Last night I spent some time writing words of love to my husband and family. Today I presented those words to them, and found it put me on a path of love for the day; on a gentler road. What if we started all our days like that? What if the world started all their days with loving words and compliments? What a changed world we would see– one of pure compassion.  Makes me want to try to start every day this way. It does take time and effort, but it’s well worth it.

Words that Matter

Last night I also helped my 9-year-old daughter with her Valentines. She has moved away from store-bought valentine’s for a few years now, and prefers to make them herself. Last year she made bookmark valentines. This year it was even more simple: a piece of paper cut out like a heart (with butterflies printed on it– as her school’s mascot is the Monarch), a complimentary sentence, and a lollypop attached. She made these by herself, stamping names onto the heart, adding a scrolling glittery decoration as well, and composed each compliment. I loved reading what she thought of her classmates: “You are creative,” You are a good friend,” You are generous,” You are good at math.” On and on and on she went.  How wonderful for these kids to have those words to go back to whenever they need a little lift.  She made me a card, and her father, brother and sister one as well. I love her warm spirit and seeing the good in other people. I just wished she would see more of the good spirit in herself, every day.

Words for Thy Self

Though my youngest has a complimentary spirit toward others, she does not have one towards herself. Unfortunately, she is always comparing herself to others; but only in the areas in which she is lacking. She constantly replays tapes of negativity about herself. Where she’s heard this information from, I’m not sure. But I want to put an end to it. So, this month we’ve started an experiment using daily self-affirmations.  I saw an interview this Fall on Oprah’s Lifeclass , “You Become What You Believe,” with Cheryl Richardson— a life coach, author and expert on self-care.  On Cheryl’s website she states:

    “Self-care is good for the planet.  From years of personal experience, as well as coaching great men and women, I’ve come to understand that selfishness leads to selflessness.  When we care deeply for ourselves, we naturally begin to care for others – our families, our friends, our greater global community, and the environment – in a healthier and more effective way.”

During her interview with Oprah, Cheryl recommended– to improve your self-image– saying positive daily affirmations for 30 days to turn your attitude around from a half-empty to half-full perspective. Her thinking– shared by many– is that we need to retrain our brain to thinking we are what we intend, and then we will act accordingly. Repeating this process (saying an affirmation everyday) allows the brain to strengthen associations, making this an exercise of the brain as well. Self-fulfilling prophecy is in volumes of psychological research, and still exists after all these years, even though we know our mind can trick us into believing anything really. Cheryl recommends breaking away from old habits of self-doubt and into new habits of self-love.  If we can trick our brains into believing the worst about ourselves and then acting to make that belief true, we are then able to trick our brains to believing the best about ourselves, and then acting to make THAT belief true.  What I am talking about here is directly tied into self-compassion and self-kindness that I posted about previously.

Daily Self-Affirmation Resources

Below is a list of resources that I use for daily self-affirmations; little reminders that life is positive and we are up for the challenge. Take a look. Some are print based and others are electronic. The great thing is that they are available to all– and can help lead us in the right direction– the direction of self-love.

  • Cheryl Richardson shares a list of affirmations on Oprah.com.
  • Another source I go to– or one that comes to me in my inbox via email is from Owning Kristina. It’s called “Mojo Mondays” and it’s a way to start your week off thinking about something healthy… for yourself.
  • Louise Hay, a motivational author and founder of Hay House Publications also promotes daily affirmations.
  • I found a nice app recently for the iPhone. An Affirmations app that has numerous positive affirmations for all to practice, all at your finger tips. Worth checking out.
  • Facebook has a Positive Affirmations page as well, with new posts daily.

Which ever source you choose to pull from, the point is– just be kinder to yourself and to do so, you need to believe in yourself fully.

Wishing everyone a lovely Valentine’s day full of kindness in any form!